I might be drunk. Or high. Or drunk and high. I am, in fact, both. Absolutely. Fuck it. I am.
I had to fuck her today. We were napping but I couldn’t stay asleep and I nearly came in my pants waiting next to her, wanting to touch her ass.
I lay there wanting a lot of things for a long time. Very specific ideas ran through my head. Wanting to hold her down. Grip her arm. Force her face into the mattress. Squeeze her wrist and hold it against her back. “Hi, lover,” I wanted to say, having never called her lover before. “Be good,” I wanted to say, “Stay still.”
I needed her to forget about everything else going on around us. I thought about shoving a pill into her mouth and rubbing her throat like a cat. “Swallow what I tell you to swallow,” I wanted to say, “and don’t ask questions.”
I wanted my dick to fill her.
When she rides me and my dick is jammed deep inside her pussy, filling her completely. Deep, so deep. When her pussy is hot and raw. Tight. Wet. When she grips me and comes so hard I have to hold her tight to keep her on me. That is the truest I am with her. I am not certain she would say the same.
I can’t wake her up and fuck her. I like to be jostled awake with someone pulling at me, needing it, but she would be furious. I wait. I get out of bed and do quiet chores. Fold the clothes. Sweep.
An hour or more later, I finally hear her stir. I fill with rage. She napped for hours and I need to make up for last time.
I don’t imagine it’s me fucking her, but someone else. I tap into a thick vein of jealousy. I want a vengeful energy. I tell the jealousy to abduct me. Make me ragged.
She’s on her knees. I see her take his thick cock, not mine, inside her mouth. He’s the one with his hand on her forehead pushing her, tilting her face up so he can see her better. I watch him pull out of her mouth and rub his dick on her face. She moves to take him back into her mouth. He teases her tongue. When he’s ready, he grabs her head again and pulls. He fucks her mouth slowly and I watch saliva drip down her chin.
I’m not the one in her mouth. She’s curving her back to take him deeper down her throat. I hate them both. I can’t look away.
I want him to move behind her and grab her neck. He does whatever I want. I think it and he’s there. He grabs her neck with one hand and and wraps his fingers around his cock with the other. I watch him jerk off behind her head. He strokes himself, twisting his hand and squeezing his cock. He keeps one hand on her neck and pulls her chin high so she’s forced to lean against his thigh to keep her balance.
My insecurity blooms like mold.
I want to see her legs in the air for him. He lifts her off her knees and pushes her onto the bed. I watch him push open her thighs, shove himself inside her, and pull at her hips hard enough to lift her off the bed while he fucks her. I’m not the one slapping her. I’m not the one bending over and spitting my words at her. Telling her I need her to take it longer than she’s going to want to, longer than will feel good.
I watch him hold her shoulders down, pushing her into the mattress. I’m angry with him and horrified by how much she likes it. “You disgust me,” he snaps at her and hides her face under his hand, “How many cocks do you want inside you today?” He turns her head so it faces away from him, keeping his hand on her head, hiding her eyes from him. “Do you want a line out the door? Could you taste the difference of each new cock in your mouth? Would you know if someone comes back for more?”
They’re making me sick. I’m sick watching them. My stomach is easily turned. I taste bile creep its way up the back of my throat. “I’m done with you,” I say as he pulls his dick out of her.
I grab the vibrator from a box near the bed and throw it at her. I mumble, “Get yourself off,” but I’m already heading to the bathroom.
I strip everything off. I’m soaked. I run the water until there’s steam and step into the shower. In the stream of water, I hear her from the next room. She’s yelling out as she comes. I hear her one more time. “Keep going,” I think, but I can’t be sure if she comes again or not.
When I turn the water off, I hold my arms up and watch the steam before I head back to the bed, still wet from the shower and crawl under the covers. I lay underneath her and open my mouth. Her tits scrape across my teeth. My useless tongue, my teeth, my lips. Open and thick, waiting for the pendulum stroke of her nipple across my face. Her tits get more and more wet from my open mouth as she drags them back and forth over my face.
I tell her what I want.