Puppet

puppet1puppet2she liked to parade me in front of her friends. and i liked to be paraded. i remember a party at her apartment in new york where we ended up on the roof. she set up her tripod and people stood around watching us, only seeing us in the flashes of light. it was a hot night and we were standing in a baby pool filled with cold water. the water splashing up onto my legs when we would nearly stumble.

i closed my eyes and wondered how many people were watching. what were they thinking? how aroused were they? were they bothering to get themselves off? she would laugh and laugh and laugh and dig her fingers into my skin and suck on my neck and bite my lips. she would turn me around and kiss the back of my neck, grabbing me everywhere. if i tried to take control, she would quickly correct me with a laugh and a look in her eye that said, ‘no, no, no.’ her hands clamping my arms until i settled back down.

i was like a puppet during some of these impromptu shows. but later, in private, i would be very alive and on fire. we would stay up all night throwing each other around. i laughed more with her than with any other lover.

i don’t think i ever felt more beautiful. i don’t know if i’ve ever really felt beautiful at all other than this time. she gave me that over and over again until it all exploded, as we knew it would.

metal heart

i knew i was gay when i was in grade school.  i knew it before i knew any words to describe it.  and so did the other kids.  i was separate.  i was not a boy or a girl.  my friends carved out a new space for me and it was all okay until we understood from adults that it was not.

so i buried everything real about me.  i buried it because i didn’t want to get hurt or worse.  i grew up in a very small town in the southern midwest and it simply wasn’t safe for me to be me.

when you bury yourself for a long time, it is really hard to bring it back up when you are safe and ready to be yourself.  really hard.  i thought i’d succeeded years ago.  i am only learning now that i hadn’t quite surfaced completely yet.

my heart was more encased than i knew.  it is painful and surreal to pull away the protective layers.  and it’s also beautiful.  

i am learning how to love you.  and me. and all of this.

step 1

i am learning how to tell you everything. there is a lot to tell. a few things to start us out:

1. i’m a woman who likes to fuck women

2. i like the word ‘fuck’ above all other words

3. i am a fiercely loyal friend

4. i like bourbon and playing guitar

5. i have been silent about too many things for far too long; this changes now