we break each other’s hearts this way. over and over again.
you make your way to this point. the weight of it all is heady and you spin. you both climb and dive. it is effortless. it is beautiful. everything tastes of it. you find yourself smiling, staring off into the distance.
it comes together maybe. or maybe it never does. but you dream of it. you can taste her skin. you imagine it. maybe you get this moment. maybe you get many moments.
and then something lurches and you are staring at your broken heart that is somehow, inexplicably, in your hands. what do i do with this? and what you do is remember. remember everything. wallow in it. cherish it. never throw it away. you will always love her like that. how could you not?
when we fuck
i am unbuttoned
led to slaughter
i gladly lay my head on the block
what doesn’t matter is everything
this is life or death
my pleasure is bound to the breakable
we are all dying
tonight is all
she liked to parade me in front of her friends. and i liked to be paraded. i remember a party at her apartment in new york where we ended up on the roof. she set up her tripod and people stood around watching us, only seeing us in the flashes of light. it was a hot night and we were standing in a baby pool filled with cold water. the water splashing up onto my legs when we would nearly stumble.
i closed my eyes and wondered how many people were watching. what were they thinking? how aroused were they? were they bothering to get themselves off? she would laugh and laugh and laugh and dig her fingers into my skin and suck on my neck and bite my lips. she would turn me around and kiss the back of my neck, grabbing me everywhere. if i tried to take control, she would quickly correct me with a laugh and a look in her eye that said, ‘no, no, no.’ her hands clamping my arms until i settled back down.
i was like a puppet during some of these impromptu shows. but later, in private, i would be very alive and on fire. we would stay up all night throwing each other around. i laughed more with her than with any other lover.
i don’t think i ever felt more beautiful. i don’t know if i’ve ever really felt beautiful at all other than this time. she gave me that over and over again until it all exploded, as we knew it would.
i knew i was gay when i was in grade school. i knew it before i knew any words to describe it. and so did the other kids. i was separate. i was not a boy or a girl. my friends carved out a new space for me and it was all okay until we understood from adults that it was not.
so i buried everything real about me. i buried it because i didn’t want to get hurt or worse. i grew up in a very small town in the southern midwest and it simply wasn’t safe for me to be me.
when you bury yourself for a long time, it is really hard to bring it back up when you are safe and ready to be yourself. really hard. i thought i’d succeeded years ago. i am only learning now that i hadn’t quite surfaced completely yet.
my heart was more encased than i knew. it is painful and surreal to pull away the protective layers. and it’s also beautiful.
i am learning how to love you. and me. and all of this.