metal heart

i knew i was gay when i was in grade school.  i knew it before i knew any words to describe it.  and so did the other kids.  i was separate.  i was not a boy or a girl.  my friends carved out a new space for me and it was all okay until we understood from adults that it was not.

so i buried everything real about me.  i buried it because i didn’t want to get hurt or worse.  i grew up in a very small town in the southern midwest and it simply wasn’t safe for me to be me.

when you bury yourself for a long time, it is really hard to bring it back up when you are safe and ready to be yourself.  really hard.  i thought i’d succeeded years ago.  i am only learning now that i hadn’t quite surfaced completely yet.

my heart was more encased than i knew.  it is painful and surreal to pull away the protective layers.  and it’s also beautiful.  

i am learning how to love you.  and me. and all of this.

step 1

i am learning how to tell you everything. there is a lot to tell. a few things to start us out:

1. i’m a woman who likes to fuck women

2. i like the word ‘fuck’ above all other words

3. i am a fiercely loyal friend

4. i like bourbon and playing guitar

5. i have been silent about too many things for far too long; this changes now