Telling Her Everything

She walked out of the bathroom in a tank-top and jeans with her hair slicked back and a hand towel hanging around over her shoulders. This is not what she looks like. Not ever. This is my good girl, my sweet girl, with her hair hanging messily over one eye and slight curls at her neck. My baby in her favorite, softest shirt that drapes lazily over her curves and shows off her tits. My girl walked by me looking like somebody else. Still wet from the shower, strutting by me like a boxer.

I sucked in my breath and stared. “Damn, baby” I said, getting an eye roll in return. She thinks I’m joking. “Damn, baby,” I say, “for real.” She walks right by and out onto the deck. It’s a rare warm night. We never get warm nights in Oakland. It feels so good I’m afraid to say anything. As if this isn’t supposed to happen and the fog will come rolling over us the moment I call attention to it.

She’s leaning over the railing, looking down on the dead weeds and sticky plum pits below. California is painfully dry but somehow the plum tree in my backyard produced more fruit than ever this year. Hundreds of tiny, yellow plums showered down night after night for the animals to nibble. So much abundance, the squirrels take a small bite and toss the rest, not caring enough to finish any single plum, just wanting to taste them all. Tonight there’s a mama deer and two babies. I lean to look over my sweet girl’s shoulder and watch them graze. It’s magic.

We love the deer. She watches for them every night. As she bends further over the railing for a better view, I lean back to look at her. My fingers hover over her muscled back, so visible under the flimsy white cotton tank-top. I feel my clit throb at the thought of touching her and feeling her stiff muscles under my fingers. This is my girl. Her body drives me crazy. Tonight she looks hard. Muscled. I let myself touch the back of her neck, just under her wet, slicked down curls. I trace the pink ink of her tattoo.

Feeling her tense muscles, I pinch the back of her neck between my thumb and first two fingers. I am always massaging her, petting her in some way or another. It’s not because I’m sweet. This gets me off. My fingers run through her hair for hours when we curl up to watch a movie. My hand strokes her side and back as I hold her in bed at night. I dig my thumbs into the deep muscles around her shoulder blades. She moans with the release and each noise she makes gets me hard. So fucking hard. I get myself off petting her. She groans with pleasure, her head in my lap. I squirm, gripping her hair and balling my fingers into fists.

Now, on the deck, in the soft, warm air, she lets her body sink onto her forearms against the railing as I press deeper into the rods of muscle just below the base of her skull. Her ass leans into me and one knee slightly buckles. I wrap an arm around her low belly. “Curl over my arm,” I whisper and press against the back of her neck. She backs up, pushing her ass more firmly against me. I step back and she follows. Another step. Two. She bends over with a flat back, her arms reached out in front of her, gripping the railing. I watch her fingers crawl for a solid grip on the wood. I’m bent over her, my hand still firmly on her neck.

I am whispering into her back. My mouth against her spine. The ribs of her tank-top rub against my lips. I’m speaking garbage. Nothing I want to be saying. Nothing worth repeating. I’m speaking without thinking, by rote. I tell her how hot she is and how turned on I am. I say the things that anyone says to anyone else and everyone says to someone and mostly it’s how they feel but not always. I want to tell her the truth. I want to tell her that she breaks me down. I want her to know that it scares me the way I feel about her. I want to tell her that sometimes she’s my Daddy and sometimes my girl. I want her to feel how wet my pussy is with this, just this. Her muscled back and shoulders, her slicked back hair, her ass shoved against me, my fingers hooking into her belt-loops.

I pull her jeans down. She says something about the neighbors and I look up, but no one’s out tonight. No one I can see. I keep going. I slide her panties down far enough to see her pussy peeking out between her thighs. I trace a finger around her hole. Drag my thumb through the close cropped hairs on her swollen labia. I can see her pussy get wet. She shifts on her legs from side to side, rubbing against my fingers. “No,”  I hear myself whisper and I don’t know what I mean until I grab my belt. My fingers fumble with the buckle and the leather strap slips away and slaps the deck below. I jerk my pants open with a single tug that unbuttons and unzips my jeans enough to make room for my hand.

I am so wet. I tell her this. “I’m so wet,” it comes out in a jerky, hoarse voice I don’t recognize as my own. My clit is so hard and aches so bad that I can’t jerk myself off the way I always do. My fingers frustrate me, trying to find a way to rub my rock hard clit. I pinch my shaft and pull, tugging myself, burning. My body is demanding something new. I’m trying to figure it out, clenching my teeth. I can feel sweat on my forehead and on the back of my neck. The warm air is heavy with moisture and I feel the sweat start to roll down between my shoulder blades.

She pushes back, rocking. The backs of her thighs, the hint of her pussy, her ass. She rubs herself against me. All I see is her hard, flat back. Her shoulder blades cutting against the edges of her tank-top. Her slicked back curls sticking now against a very wet neck. “Fuck me,” she says and I know what she means. I keep my hand in my pants. I’m flicking the tip of my finger against my clit now. Hard. Painful. I feel like I’m going to shoot. There is this angry need climbing up inside my body, up the backs of my legs, up into my shoulders and arms. I feel angry and growing. I feel as heavy as lead. My legs start to shake. I’m heating up hot, so hot, I see my skin flush darker. And I come with a jerk so hard, I shove her forward and hear her skin scrape against the railing. She gasps louder than I do. I’m biting my lip. Stifling the explosion. Unable to let it out, all out, even now.

My chest is heaving. I’m still out of breath, panting, when I slide my hand out from between my legs and reach for her. I stare at my wet hand and drag two fingertips up and down her pussy. “Get off for me,” I tell her. She opens her legs a little wider and stands up. I can’t see her fingers on her clit, but I watch her body shake a little as she starts to jerk off. My hand disappears between her legs, the backs of two knuckles rubbing low, near her hole. Wet. Pushing into her just a little. Feeling her open up. With one finger crooked tight, I grind against her hole. Circling.

“Feel me,” I tell her and she starts to moan. Her hole grips my knuckles, holding me inside her. She’s louder now, moaning in that deep way that sinks into my skin. “Feel me,” I say again, “I want you so much.” And all the words pour out of me. Everything I want to tell her. I whisper every word. Soaked in this heat. Feeling the trickle of sweat on the backs of my knees. My right arm starting to shake out of fear or exhaustion. I say it all while she moans louder, coming hard in this night, on the deck, with the sky turning dark, and the neighbors must hear her. Her sweet moan, so loud. My voice so soft in this sweet, warm night.

ELust #73

Ht Honey by a fence
Photo courtesy of HT Honey

Welcome to Elust #73

The only place where the smartest and hottest sex bloggers are featured under one roof every month. Whether you’re looking for sex journalism, erotic writing, relationship advice or kinky discussions it’ll be here at Elust. Want to be included in Elust #74? Start with the rules, come back September 1st to submit something and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!

~ This Month’s Top Three Posts ~

My shame
Has E L James broken erotica?
Sex Addiction is a Scam

~ Featured Post (Molly’s Picks) ~

Goodbye, I’m Gone
sharing my inspiration

~ Readers Choice from Sexbytes ~

Eroticon 2015 Pay it forward

Erotic Non-Fiction

Watching you
His Vulnerability Creates Magic.
It really was a Wicked Wednesday
His First Cuckold Experience
Humiliation of an ex-Nazi submissive 53
The Pole Dancer

Sex News, Opinion, Interviews, Politics & Humor

Gentleman Is the Opposite of Feminist
My Criteria for Rating Sex

Erotic Fiction

The Hunt’s Spectators
Peeping Tom
By the Sea, Part 1
Have You Been Naughty?
The Ritual
Triple Dog Dare
Eye Spy
Bound For Pleasure
Daddy Wants to Play

Thoughts & Advice on Sex & Relationships

Dealing With A Husband Who Can’t Cum
The Menopause Diaries
Balancing the Scales
On Cheating
On language learning and sex

Writing About Writing

What I Intend When I Write About Sex
Writing Erotica as a Disabled Top

Thoughts & Advice on Kink & Fetish

What else could be done with BDSM checklists?
Crafting Your Craft: Serving With Passion
Social Masochist
The Last Word
“Only submissive to someone special”

ELust Site Badge

Goodbye, I’m Gone (The Nicest Thing I Ever Did for Her)

We fuck and we fuck and we fuck. Just to get it out. Get over. “I don’t know where I’m going,” I say and she hits me. I’m back underneath her. She’s pinching my skin as if there are more clothes to pull off but I’m naked. She grabs at my thighs and jerks them apart. I feel so wet between my legs that I check to see if there’s blood. My fingers come up clear and slick. I let my head fall backwards against the mattress. “Where are you taking me?” She asks. “Down,” I answer. “I don’t know what you mean,” she says. “You never know what I mean,” I tell her. And I’m serious about that.

She never knew what I meant.

The beginning was like all beginnings. Necessary. Everything. Different, this time. The ending was complete. Cauterized. This is the kind of girl who will never speak to you again. Will never look at you. She will break away from everything that touched you somehow. She’s vain, so maybe she’ll peek now and then. Lift the covers, so to speak, on your life, but you’ll never know for sure. The beginning and the ending are predictable. These things always are. Still, it’s a story that holds meaning.

“You’re a mistake,” she told me once. “No, you are,” I laughed. I was a brat. I was the kid who slapped your ass with a wet towel at the pool. I didn’t care about anything because I thought I was right about everything. We were both right. Everything about this was a mistake. But I’m the one who feels it more now. She was the mistake I never wanted to make. I’m too prideful. I don’t fuck things up like that. Only, I did. Just this once. Fuck it up like that. But there are reasons why. There are always reasons.

I knew how to unlock her. I liked that and I needed it. I knew how to grab her wrist, pull her down to the floor, and make her want it. It was like I had all the secrets. I knew just when to call her up or swing by unannounced. I took it out on her for it all being too easy. I grabbed her jaw and slid my fingers inside her mouth and she fell to her knees. I walked in front of her, knowing how my jeans were hanging off my hips. If she was out with someone else, then especially she was mine. We both knew it. I’d sit off by myself with a beer and let her watch me. I’d lean over the railing of a friend’s deck and feel her stare. It was magnetic. Unavoidable. I comfort myself with that word. Unavoidable. Even if it’s bullshit.

I fucked her every time she told me to go. Every time she asked me to leave. I fucked her when she begged to go to sleep and after, every time, she curled up around me and slept like a baby. Slept deeper than ever. Woke up smiling. Woke up happy and forgetting how bad everything was in real life. I gave her no choice. I was just what she wanted. I stood back and waited for her to come to me. She screamed and cried and told me to go away and came back again and again.

One time, I showed up late at night without asking. We talked on the back stoop and passed a bottle of Old Crow back and forth. I smoked a cigarette and regretted it. I stretched myself out on the cold cement and lifted my shirt up to my ribs. She held her hand out, shaking. I grabbed the tip of her finger and led her hand to my belt. She froze there, fingers trembling. I let my belly lift and fall. I stared at her. “This is your hand on me,” I said. She looked over her shoulder at the screen door. Her girlfriend was coming over soon. I lifted my shirt higher and pulled her hand across my chest. She flinched. “This is your hand on me,” I said again and she leaned over with her mouth hanging open and a sad, scared look in her eye. “I need you to go,” she said and I grabbed her head. I kissed her and slid my hands under her shirt, under her bra. I felt her come undone. I reached one hand down between her legs, under her skirt and ran my knuckles against her panties. I felt how wet she was already. I felt her thighs fall open.

“You’ve got to go,” she whispered, “Please.” I slid two fingers under her panties and pushed her lips open. “I’m inside you now,” I told her. “Please,” she said and pulled me to her.

I was in no rush. I fucked her slowly like I had all the time in the world. Like we were old lovers, fucking lazily in our own home, but this was brand new. This was the first time that she wouldn’t say yes. The first time that she asked me to leave, just go, and slid her thighs apart for me. I fell for it. Or she fell for it. Everything was a mistake. Everybody got used. And I fucked her so slowly there on the hard cement. I scraped my knuckles against the tiny pebbles under her ass. I slid my fingers in and out of her while she dripped and only when she looked really scared did I bend over and flick my tongue against her clit. She started to moan like a mean cat but clamped a hand over her mouth for control and was silent when she came.

While she was still out of breath and confused, I stood up, grabbed the bottle between us, and walked around the side of her place to the street. I squeezed between the bricks and prickly bushes, avoiding the front door. I walked South. I walked until my feet hurt and I could barely smell her on my fingers anymore.

I remember the night we fucked and I realized that I didn’t even like her. All our friends seemed to think she was amazing, but I didn’t. I just rode along with their view of her and ignored my own head. I never really wanted anything from her. It had all been so easy. I just took what was there in front of me because I could. It’s the kind of mistake I never wanted to make. The kind that disgusts me. I’m the asshole here. I’m the jerk.

This is my goodbye. It’s what you wanted, right? Tear out this page and put it under your pillow. Sleep tight, babygirl. I’m gone. This is nobody.